By CPA Hillary Oonge: Management Consultant, Personal effectiveness and Leadership Coach.
In today’s world, emotional intelligence (EQ) is a buzzword, a mantra, the supposed password to unlocking success in work and life. If only everyone else had it, right? We shake our heads in disbelief at colleagues who seem oblivious to their emotional impact, we grumble about leaders who lack empathy, and we whisper among ourselves about managers who should “really work on their EQ.” But here’s the paradox: while we see emotional intelligence as something everyone else should develop, we rarely stop to examine the most crucial part of EQ—the self.
This past weekend, I had the privilege of training the SUCA 2 class on emotional intelligence, and among the many eye-opening discussions, one stood out: self-awareness. Daniel Goleman, often regarded as the father of emotional intelligence, makes it abundantly clear—self-awareness is the bedrock of EQ. Yet, it is the most overlooked aspect. We assume EQ is about managing others, about reading the room, about adapting to people’s emotions. But how can we navigate others’ emotions if we are strangers to our own? The thing is, the foundation of emotional intelligence isn’t about understanding others at all—it’s about understanding ourselves.
The Forgotten Cornerstone of EQ: Self-Awareness
Daniel Goleman, widely regarded as the father of emotional intelligence in the business world, makes this hierarchy explicit. While we’re quick to judge others’ emotional reactions or communication styles, true EQ begins with self-awareness. This isn’t merely knowing your likes and dislikes, but a deeper recognition of your internal landscape—the terrain of your own emotional responses, triggers, and patterns. Self-awareness is the foundation of emotional intelligence. It’s the ability to understand our own emotions, recognize our triggers, and identify how our experiences have shaped us. It’s about knowing our temperament and our personality (yes, those are different things). It’s about pinpointing what drains us, what energizes us, and what ignites our passion. It’s understanding where we thrive and where we must tread carefully. It’s being honest about our strengths while acknowledging our blind spots. In short, it is the difference between reacting and responding, between leading with purpose and being driven by impulse.
For those looking to deepen their understanding, Tasha Eurich’s Insight: The Surprising Truth About How Others See Us, How We See Ourselves, and Why the Answers Matter More Than We Think, offers a compelling guide on cultivating self-awareness. Additionally, Brené Brown’s Dare to Lead emphasizes vulnerability and emotional intelligence as core leadership strengths.
The Pillars of Self-Awareness
Mastering self-awareness doesn’t happen overnight. It requires intentionality and practice. Here are some areas to look into:
- Reflection – Take time to pause and assess your emotions, decisions, and reactions. What made you react that way in a heated meeting? Why did you feel drained after a conversation with a colleague? Journaling or simply taking a few minutes at the end of the day to reflect can provide powerful insights. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey underscores the importance of self-reflection as part of personal growth.
- Feedback – We all have blind spots. Seeking feedback from trusted peers, mentors, or coaches can help us uncover aspects of ourselves we may not see. The key is to listen without defensiveness, viewing feedback as a mirror rather than an attack. Leadership and Self-Deception by The Arbinger Institute is an excellent resource for understanding how self-awareness influences leadership.
- Situational Awareness – Pay attention to how you feel in different environments. What types of work energize you? What social settings bring out your best self? Understanding where you thrive can help you make better career and life decisions.
- Personality assessments– Engage with personality assessments as starting points, not destinations. Tools like the Big Five, MBTI, or Enneagram provide useful frameworks, but they’re most valuable when used as conversation starters rather than definitive labels.
- Emotional Lineage– Trace your emotional lineage. Our families of origin provide powerful templates for emotional expression and regulation. Understanding these inherited patterns helps distinguish between habitual reactions and conscious choices. There is a reason why some people are pre-desposed to anger more easily than others.
Actualizing Self-Awareness
The real magic of self-awareness is not just in knowing ourselves but in applying that knowledge. It means developing emotional agility—learning to regulate emotions before they control us. Emotional Agility by Susan David provides a roadmap for managing emotions effectively. It means recognizing when we need a break, when to push forward, and when to pivot. It means cultivating resilience, setting boundaries, and making decisions that align with our core values.
In our rush to diagnose others’ emotional intelligence deficits, we’ve overlooked the essential first step: turning that perceptive gaze inward. The journey to emotional intelligence begins not with understanding others, but with the more challenging—and rewarding—work of understanding ourselves. At its core, self-awareness is a leadership skill. The most effective leaders are not those who master others but those who have first mastered themselves. Before we demand emotional intelligence from those around us—our bosses, our colleagues, even our families—let’s ask: how well do we know ourselves? Because the fruits of real success, the kind that is lasting and fulfilling, start at this core.
If you want to lead, if you want to influence, if you want to truly excel, start here. Master yourself, and the rest will follow.
For further reading, Emotional Intelligence 2.0 by Travis Bradberry & Jean Greaves provides a practical guide to developing EQ, while Michael A. Singer’s The Untethered Soul explores the deeper journey of self-awareness and mindfulness.
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