“Criticism, like rain, should be gentle enough to nourish a man’s growth without destroying his roots.” — Frank A. Clark
We all say we want to improve. But when feedback arrives—especially the uncomfortable kind—we flinch. We resist. We shut down.
The truth is: feedback is a mirror. It shows us what we can’t see ourselves. It’s how we grow. But because it also exposes us, we’ve learned to avoid it.
This week on the Starring Your Career Ambition Podcast, hosted live during FPKE’s Top Talks Thursday series, we confronted the tension professionals face every day: the need for honest feedback and the fear that comes with it.
What Feedback Actually Is
Feedback isn’t criticism. It isn’t judgment. It’s not even about being right or wrong.
It’s information offered with the intent to help someone grow. Sometimes it’s praise. Other times it’s correction. At its best, it’s direct, specific, and actionable.
“Feedback is the breakfast of champions.” — Ken Blanchard
When given clearly and received openly, feedback acts like GPS. It tells us where we are, and how far we’ve veered off course.
Why We Can’t Improve Without It
From elite athletes to high-growth startups, feedback is non-negotiable.
Tennis legend Serena Williams watches footage of herself after every tournament. Jeff Bezos built Amazon with feedback loops baked into its hiring, product, and customer systems. They don’t wait for annual reviews. They run on continuous information.
“Without feedback, you’re operating in the dark.” — Sheila Heen, Thanks for the Feedback
When people don’t get feedback, they fill the silence with assumptions. That’s where misalignment, burnout, and mediocrity live.
The Real Reason We Avoid It
It feels personal. It challenges our identity. Even the words “Can I give you some feedback?” are enough to make most people brace for impact.
We’ve also been scared by bad feedback—delivered with sarcasm, in public, or wrapped in shame. And so we’ve learned to fear it.
“The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off.” — Gloria Steinem
A Nairobi HR executive put it plainly: “We talk about people in meetings, but not to them. It’s easier to complain than coach.”
That avoidance creates workplaces full of silence—and missed growth.
Giving Feedback Without Causing Damage
Brené Brown says it best: “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.”
Before you give feedback, ask:
- Am I doing this to help or to prove a point?
- Am I ready to listen, not just speak?
- Am I focused on behavior—not personality?
A simple model works:
- Situation – “In the meeting yesterday…”
- Behavior – “…you interrupted twice.”
- Impact – “…and it made it hard for the team to follow.”
Avoid labels like “rude” or “careless.” Stick to what happened. Then pause.
Receiving Feedback When It Hurts
The harder job isn’t giving feedback. It’s hearing it—especially when it stings.
“The trouble with most of us is that we’d rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticism.” — Norman Vincent Peale
What do you do when someone tells you something uncomfortable about yourself?
Step one: pause. Step two: don’t defend—reflect. Step three: ask, “What can I learn from this?”
Even when poorly delivered, feedback often carries truth. And maturity means searching for that truth—even if it wasn’t served kindly.
Stephen Covey’s Habit 5 remains timeless: “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”
Building a Feedback Culture
Feedback shouldn’t be a one-off event. It should be a habit. A rhythm. Part of the way your team works.
But that only happens when leaders go first.
Leaders who ask for feedback—and accept it with humility—send a message: “We learn here.”
“If you don’t create a culture where people can speak truth, they’ll speak in silence—or leave.” — Patrick Lencioni
Stephen Covey’s “Emotional Bank Account” reminds us that relationships need deposits—of trust, kindness, and listening—so that when the time comes for tough truths, the balance isn’t overdrawn.
At #FPKE, we’ve seen this in coaching sessions across sectors. The teams that grow fastest are the ones that speak honestly—not just nicely.
Feedback isn’t a threat. It’s a signal. And for the professional who want to grow, it’s one of the most valuable signals you can receive.
It won’t always feel good. But if you handle it well—on both sides of the table—it will make you better.
“The most dangerous phrase in a professional’s career is: ‘No one has ever told me that.’”
So go ask. And next time, don’t dodge the truth. Listen to it. Then grow from it.
Hillary Oonge is a leadership strategist, Personal Effectiveness coach, and the Chief Operating Officer at SKM Africa . He leads transformation and performance strategy for professionals and organizations across Africa.
I SPECIALIZE IN Peak Performance | Strategy | Mindset | Execution
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